I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
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like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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