Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Randomize
