I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
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