I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
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