batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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