JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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