Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
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