she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
