Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
