I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
