you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
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