I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Everyone says I win the strip club
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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