I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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