hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Randomize
