Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
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Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
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I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
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