Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
