ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
