I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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