He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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