I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
you had me at cake vodka
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
