That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
