I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
