I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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