I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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