Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
