You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
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