She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
