that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
