sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
