No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
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