There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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