o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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