i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
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