I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
