I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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