we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
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