Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
