Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
being pregnant is like rehab
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I'm way too hungover for life right now
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
