im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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