Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Randomize