bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
