Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
