I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
