Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I just forgot I was standing up.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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