I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
