You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
