Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
ttyl tear gas
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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