i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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