You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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