I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
