I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
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