Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Randomize
