I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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