I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
